We were about eight.

Jumping, laughing, and playing in the park.

Making paper planes and challenging each other about whose will go farthest.

It was mostly you, I agree.

Those birthday parties, those silly games, those times we sat together and read our favorite kiddy storybook.

Those times when you stood by my side unknowingly as we had never learn t not standing by each other.

You were my unknown support.

The pillar who aided me even when I did not require that aid.

My solitude, my sanctuary. My safe haven.

Never did we talk about anything worthwhile.

For us it was always “ohh lets play”.

And things just changed, I was in love with you even before I knew the meaning of love.

I had heard about love; never believed.

I never believed that it exists, I still am skeptical.

I always thought that things happen, people fall apart and then you forget.

But this sudden new feeling was overpowering.

I got scared of this feeling.

It was much stronger than a normal crush.

I tried to run from it.

I tried to hide.

When asked I just lied.

As I tried to run from this feeling I ended up running away from myself, from you.

Things came in between and we just drifted apart.

And never had I thought that I would be in love with you, if this is love, so be it.

People came, people went.

So did you, eventually tired of my running away.

I felt a loss. But alongside this loss there was a relief.

The relief caused by thoughts claiming that now at last, Mehul you’d be able to get away from this feeling.

But the feeling remained, alongside your thoughts.

Thoughts which would pop every other night.

Nights that went without sleep.

And then years later I read about love somewhere and only your face came into my mind.

I thought that maybe this is what love is.

I thought that I would finally voice my feelings now that I understood them myself.

And then I saw, you were someone else’s.

I thought maybe it was too late.

But maybe you never felt the same way.

I don’t know and somewhere I do want to know.

To know if you ever felt the same way.

To know if we ever had a chance.

A chance which is now long gone.

You were important and you still are.

I hope that you would be important tomorrow too…

I just needed to accept so that I could let go…

PS: This is not me telling the world that I am in love or if I ever was.

These are just some thoughts that just came and went.

As mentioned earlier, I do not believe in the concept of love for I have not experienced it.

But somewhere for the person above, I have a soft corner. A sense of comfort and deep sincerity.

A person for whom I care allot, it can be anybody.

An image keeps coming. It is an image of a girl. A tall and slim girl, she is walking alone on the beach at sunrise. The water just gently brushes her feet and wind blows softly to her as though carrying a secret, causing her long dark wavy hair and white silk dress to flutter quietly.

The sun smiles his dim golden beam across her face magically and the sunrays dance on the water waves. She looks out towards the open sea inquiring with a smile at the hushing of the waves.

As the wind blows across her face she continues to walk slowly on that endless beach. The white sand continues to play with her bare feet. She sees the enchanting beauty of nature just as nature sees beauty in her.

Expectations. After having a heated argument with my friend my thoughts on expectations were as follows:

To me every relation is based on expectations. We have expectations in every relation of our life. Our actions are based on our mood which in turn is based on the fulfillment level of our expectations.

Many may say “we don’t have any expectations”. But that my friend is hypocrisy. We all have a certain expectations from our friends, families and even foes. Conflicts come when there is a disagreement in the expectations of two people. Even with enemies we have expectations. About how they will act, on what they will say etc etc.

The closer you are to a person the more expectations one has with that person. One gets irritated when those expectations are not fulfilled, where as there is joy in the fulfillment of a particular expectation. No matter how minute or vast the feelings may be.

We have expectations for ourselves as well. Those expectations are generally known to us. Whereas some expectations are unknown to us. When those expectations are recognized by others, we sometimes are irritated. Those expectations are generally dismissed by saying that one doesn’t have much choice. But no, no one is forced to act in some certain way; a person in any given situation has more than one path to choose. That action that was dismissed is an expectation. An expectation, that is so basic that most of the times it is not even their in the conscious mind. Gaining control of our expectations is like gaining control over our conscious mind. The fewer expectations we have the easier and calmer our lives will become. There will be less clutter and consequently more clarity will be present.

As my tears become blood,

They roll down my cheeks and mix into the mud…

People keep on blaming me,

They never let my soul be…

They hate me for what they think I did,

Thinking that whatever they are doing is splendid…

They think I have lied,

But they don’t know the truth that I hide…

They think I had gone too low,

They even diminished my soul that used to glow,

Is it because I did not let my feelings show…?

They pretended to cry when I cried,

I became a flower that had dried…

They keep on killing me from inside,

They don’t realize how long ago I had died…

I lie down on my back and gaze towards the sky,

I smile and see the clouds pass by…

I reminisce about the days that have gone,

And fly through my mind like a beautiful song…

The memories form images in my eyes,

Painted pictures, like clouds in the skies…

As each person comes and goes,

My fondness for each one of them grows…

The clouds remind me yet again,

Of things important and mundane…

My memories form colourful hues,

Shades of whites, grays and blues…

I think of the times that I spent

Playing hide and seek in camping tents,

I am reminded of each passing day,

The clouds show me reasons to stay gay…

I think of the times that did not go in vain,

The happiness as well as the pain…

These times made me who I am today,

Helping me go on life’s way…

The clouds chuckled in delight,

For they are the memories that are in sight…

As the clouds keep on passing by,

I recall; the memories make me sigh…

I try to make the clouds stay,

But they mischievously flutter away …

New clouds keep on coming by,

Bringing new dreams both low and high…

As drops of water reach my face,

Momentarily I come back from my daze…

I realize what heaven feels like,

And my feelings scale a pike…

The gentle drops make my skin wet,

I realize that it was the clouds that I had met…

As I come back from the past,

I see the clouds going away fast…

They chortle by themselves,

And into me they delve…

They leave silently to another dimension,

To gather some one else’s attention…

I smile and let the clouds go,

The clouds that made my memories glow…

I quickly awake from my dream,

And reflect and smile with a happy beam…

Those unspoken tears in my eyes.

The people who did not hear my cries…

I walk the death’s path I know,

I admit my mistakes keeping my voice low…

No one does know the pain inside me,

No one could imagine the pain that may be…

The hurt that made me weep in the nights,

I struggle to live with all my might…

I for once thought that I may live,

Live for others so that they may forgive…

Seeing the fact that I am alone,

Staying lonely at home…

As the images I see are blurred,

The tears that no one heard…

God am I wasting my time?

Living alone sipping wine…

I tried making amendments,

Remembering all the precious moments that went…

Today I live not this,

Thinking of the times that I missed…

The fights that made us say things that hurt so much,

Nothing else could hurt me as such…

For I put a mask on my face,

Over an identity that no one can trace…

The mask which carries that big smile,

The mask under which the sentiments pile…

The path that I wander is dark,

I try to perceive all the significant marks…

I try to recollect the things that I see,

The memories that will forever be…

As I muse over the past,

I see a thing that did not last…

Everything seems to have changed,

The memories that made me deranged…

I try and make things come back,

I notice the things that we lacked…

The things that we could not see,

The things that did not let me be…

I still don’t comprehend what had happened,

Was it the truth that we abandoned …?

Everything seems so deviant,

In my mind your thoughts just came and went…

Your face comes in my mind as a thought,

For an instant I got caught…

I remember the things that you said,

For now I feel as if I am dead…

You feel that I am not the same,

But you are the one who had gone away and you never came…

I lingered for you all along,

Thinking that this is where we both belong…

It was a long time that I did wait,

But somehow you were late…

I got fed up and started leaving,

I understood that it was only me whom I had been deceiving…

For going away I took a long stride,

With that stride I cried…

The moment you realized that I was going,

You thought that it was a mistake that I was doing…

But my friend I had waited for a long time,

Keeping my sad thoughts to myself like a mime…

You told me that I was wrong,

But sweetie I hope you knew the truth all along…

I tell you that I have missed you,

You act as if you don’t have a clue…

I try and go back to the place that I had left,

But there is an emptiness that has crept…

As time moves slowly day by day,

You left me again keeping me at bay…

Now I realized that I had to go,

The steps that I took made time go slow…

Now I watch you from some distance away,

Everything seems black white and grey…

Now sometimes I hide myself from you when you come in sight,

I cry for hours and hours but still don’t feel light…

You say to others that I have changed,

But you don’t realize how much I have been pained…

As others feel sorry for me,

For they see the pain that you cannot see…

You see the smile I put in-front of my tears,

Those tears that I couldn’t bear…

You come near to me to know what’s inside,

The hurt, the pain, the truth that I hide…

You see me as a fake,

But I don’t say a thing only for your sake…

You seem to think that I don’t care,

But now I don’t let my feelings go bare…

Close your eyes to the sound of my voice,

As we meet, let the world rejoice…

We sit back and reach the sky,

Times unknown to a strangers eyes…

As the moments are etched into time,

A silent witness to everyone’s crime…

We watch, we look, we hear, we cry,

Looking at that endless sky…

We give the world a fleeting glance,

Exploring the world’s expanse…

The wind softly gives us her regard,

Singing pleasantly like that long lost bard…

Transient thoughts fade away,

Lying in gods lap, we play…

We continue to dance in the rain,

Alone having no restrains…

We quickly hide back our smiles,

As we come back from exile…

As sorrow ness fills my eyes,

I know you have told me nothing but lies…

I think about you all the time,

Sometimes my friends think that it’s a crime…

I wish you just had a clue,

Then my feeling wouldn’t have been blue…

At nights I just can’t sleep,

The thing I do most of the time nowadays is weep…

The thoughts I have are just so haunting,

Adding to that the people just keep taunting…

If only you could see me crying,

You would stop the entire stupid ness that you have been trying…

My thoughts wander of in the skies,

I know you have woven a thread full of lies…

Why is life so hard??

Is love actually written on the cards??

People put so much pressure,

Sometimes you don’t have time for leisure…

I know I have made mistakes,

Even when I didn’t know the stakes…

I think that I am lying,

Sometimes I don’t even know if I am crying…

I know my life will shatter,

And know it doesn’t even matter…

The time is moving at the speed of light,

I just need to hold someone tight…

I just want my life to end,

Because I don’t think that it will ever mend…